About the Episode:
When something is disarray in your relationship, it’s difficult to start the conversation. It can be weird, but you’re both there to help one another. You’re there to support each other, and you’re there to fix things. Together.
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- Sit and talk with your partner
- Have a goal in mind for the conversation
- Use only “I” statements
- Be ready to ask questions
- Own your own actions
- Take on issues at a time
Hey, what’s shakin’, hey, I’m Rick Jordan, today, we’re going all in. It’s the worst, about a difficult conversation, the part that’s the worst is actually the start. As you get into it, yeah, things can get heated and things happen, you know, and you can get thrown off base and everything, but the worst part is actually starting that conversation. Especially if you care about that person. Because if you go into that, that Convo genuinely to where you actually want to, you know, come to a common ground, and you have great intentions. No, no bad intentions whatsoever, but only good intentions about actually coming to a resolution or a reconciliation or an understanding with that individual that you care about, that you love that you that you have a relationship with. It’s easier once you get into the flow of it, and you both start expressing as long as you don’t go into it, you know, from a conflict of or combative or competitive, especially that last one competitive perspective, right? It’s never a me better than you and you don’t go into it saying like, I’m going to show this person, what the right thing is or what the right way is, or how I feel that’s not the right intention going into it going into it is understanding that you probably have different perspectives, different viewpoints. And you need an understanding of both of those to come to a resolution or you just need to express your feelings express how you see how you see something.
So the other person can understand more about you and learn you better that way they know how to interact in the future even more. So meet the needs, that you’re going to express. But the worst part of that conversation, hands down, is starting it, especially when you’re the one that has to bring it up. So I’m going to give you some ways today to be able to do that. The first way is that you have to keep this in mind. And this goes along with what I was just saying keep your goal in mind. Like go into it with an outcome, that is a good intention for both of you. And be flexible. Right, you have to stay open to their perspective, that’s the first thing you have to stay open to their perspective because they likely have a different perspective than you. The second thing is, this is super important Use I statements, not use statements, because you are a projection, right? You are saying that you’re almost telling that person how they feel. And they could have a different viewpoint or a different reality going on from their angle of view on whatever the situation was. So when you go into it saying, I feel this way. Here’s something to actually say I feel this way, right blank, right state your feeling is I feel blank, then it’s when you and then describe the situation from your perspective. So I feel sad and confused when you don’t text me back right away, or whatever it is, right? And then the third part of that statement, I used to admit, because it’s three components, right?
The first is I feel blank when you blank, that’s one and two. And the third is I need I would like because now you’re expressing exactly what you would like to see happen. And this could be eye-opening for that other individual, when you use these eye statements and not use statements, otherwise, if you do this, you do that somebody is going to be on the defensive right away. Imagine that because it’s like what you’re coming at somebody. So when you’re going into this with good intentions, the second thing to do is to use I statements and not use statements, I feel blank when blank, I need I would like you to or I would like to see blah, blah, blah, right? So those things will completely shift us around. Right? And here’s the third part about this Be curious. So I’ve said to go into this with good intentions, right? Because the first one that we mentioned was to keep your goal in mind and be flexible. The second one was Use I statements not use statements. And the third is, to be curious. Go into it ready to ask questions. Because you want to understand that person more understand their viewpoint in a better way so that maybe you are the one with the flawed perspective on something like this, maybe there was a story that you are creating in your head. That is not actually true. It was only a perception that you had.
Now that other person can own their actions and they should own their actions and help to create that perception. But they might mean something totally different by an action than what you took it as because of a past trauma sort of like relationship PTSD, or something else that’s going on with you. You could see that difference because it matched a pattern that you were familiar with in an earlier relationship in a different part of your Life, something that doesn’t apply anymore to this person because this person is not all those other people, that’s the biggest thing to try to get over in that heart hardwiring in your head is that this person is not any of those other people. So when you go into this, being curious, go into the conversation, that difficult conversation being curious, you are much more open and able to accomplish that, number one, and being flexible, because now you actually have a desire inside your core to understand and see things through the other person’s eyes and stand in their shoes. It’s super important. Now the fourth one, when it comes to difficult conversations, this one is freaking huge.
One issue at a time. That’s it, just one issue at a time. It is overload, emotional overload, to go through more than one thing at any given point. Because that person is going to try to connect those things. And this is one thing, right that some people have difficulties with is they’ll hear one thing and they’ll start to generalize it. How do you feel when there’s a specific situation at hand, and all of a sudden you hear a phrase like you always do this? It’s like, wait, wait, one, that’s a use statement? seconds? I don’t think that I do. Right? I’m just talking about this one scenario. So what is important when it comes to difficult conversations, is to tackle one issue at a time, come to an agreement, and maybe take a break, if there are multiple issues on the table. And this is something to prepare for. So if you have to take overnights, this is the fifth one on how to start a difficult conversation maybe wait to start that conversation. Maybe wait just overnight, asleep, or something to start that difficult conversation. Because when you come to that point, you’re more clear-headed, you’ve been able to process things because when this stuff triggers you which it will, right, that’s really the reason when you come to these difficult conversations is probably you’ve been triggered in some way are you get to this point where you’re like, Oh, my God, you get this anger, you get sadness, you get confusion, all of these emotions come at you all at one point. And then you start to think of all these individual things, and they start to run and bleed together in your mind, you’re like, we’re just going to tackle all of this.
That’s difficult to do. It’s actually inadvisable to do because everything that you just felt like that wave and overwhelming group of emotions is what that other person will feel that person that you care about the person that you love, that person that you want to come to terms with that person that you want a future with. In those moments, they’re going to be the same amount of being overwhelmed that you were when all this stuff initially came up one issue at a time. That’s the fifth one. Go into this with good conversation, and good intentions. The most difficult thing that you have to do is actually start and here are some ways that I gave you today to actually start those difficult conversations. Try these because you’re gonna come out and it’s gonna be much more productive. It’s still gonna be emotional. I’m gonna give you that because there are emotions involved, you both actually care for each other very deeply. And as much as you want to go into seeing this through to some kind of reconciliation, some kind of resolution, some kind of getting on the same page and understanding. That person probably wants the exact same good things that you do.
Go ALL IN…