Breaking Through The Codependency

Watch the episode here:

• Nobody will change for you
• You are really doing it for you, not for them
• Do it for them, not yourself
• Tell them you want them to change for them
• Codependency is fragile
• People only change for themselves at rock bottom

Hey, what’s shakin’, I’m Rick Jordan, and today we are going all in. First off trigger warning. All right, are you ready for this? No one, no one changes for someone else. No one will shift their behavior, change the way they act, change the way they treat you change what they’re doing to you. For you, no one changes for someone else. That you’re probably like, oh my god, you know, let’s stay with me on this today. Because the real reason that anybody changes, because I’m sure you’ve heard these things before, right? Or you’ve been in situations like this, it’s like, oh, yeah, I’ll change it even in my job late. Sure, I’ll change, I’ll change, I’ll go do that, you know, I’ll do that for you. If they’re talking to the manager, or you know, if someone says in a relationship, like, I’ll be the man you need, I’ll become the person you want. I’ll change it for you. I’m so glad you’re in my life because you change me for the better. That’s a bunch of BS, okay? Or even if somebody says, maybe you’ve even said this, right? I’m doing it for my kids. I’m sticking around because I’m doing it for my kids. Or you know what I’m going to do, I’m going to do this, I’m going to be a better dad.

 For my kids want to be a better dads? Because that’s what they need. Or I’m going to be a better mom because I want them to grow up knowing that I’m around. Did you hear how I phrase that? I want them to grow up knowing that I’m there for them. This is where I’m shifting your perspective. Because as I started out, saying, No one changes for someone else in that statement, that was your clue right there. And this is hard-hitting when somebody says I want them to know, I’m going to change because I want them to know that I’m a good mom, you are fricking doing it for you. When you make statements like that, did you hear that? And that’s really what’s going on inside someone’s head, when I said all those things, like I’ll become the man that you need, or I’m doing this for my kids, that’s what’s going on inside their heads, and maybe even in yours, because you’re really doing it for yourself. When you say those statements, and you make a change, or something like that, whether you actually can become self-aware enough to recognize that or not, you are really doing it for yourself. Because even in that statement, as I’ll be, I’ll be the partner you need. Really, you’re saying I don’t want to lose you.

 So I’m gonna make this change because I want to stick and be around you, you’re still doing it for yourself. The benefit is that they are around somebody that matches their needs. At that point. You are always doing it for yourself no matter what it is. And you know what the biggest thing you can recognize and become self-aware about is because this is actually when you can make a change and move things forward. Because you might feel stuck in something or make a decision that you need to make that you’ve been afraid to make. Once you become self-aware of that thing, that you’re actually doing it for you, every single change depends upon you doing it for you, every single change that you’re going to make depends on you doing it for you. And other people benefit from that. So if somebody comes to you and says, hey, I’ll change for you call them out on their bullshit, right there and be like, No, I want you to change for yourself, if they can become self-aware enough that that change is going to benefit them that it’s going to not just if you’re in a relationship, allow you to stay with them because of that change. 

Whether you stay with them or not, that change is still going to be for them that way maybe they can actually maintain a relationship in the future, and maybe they can actually meet the person they were meant to be with that actually matches their needs reciprocally, or they will get they actually are in a place now because they’ve healed maybe from some trauma, they’ve actually made a change and they’ve allowed themselves to heal because of that change. And now they can be in a healthy relationship with somebody else. Somebody that may be even better for them than you This is hard-hitting and that’s why said trigger alert. No one changes for someone else. When you think that that’s true. The only reason you think that’s true is because of the movies and books because of a show on Netflix. Society has sold codependency as love. That’s the fact, society has sold codependency Is Love. So when somebody says yes, I’ll change for you, that’s actually codependency. They’re saying, I’m scared to lose you, I need you around. The only reason I keep you around is because of what you do for me, not because I really love you. So, therefore, I’ll change it for you. Because if I don’t change, if I don’t do something different, you’re not going to be around anymore. And then I’m not going to have this need met and that need to be met, it’s going to mess with the foundation of the support and safety that I feel because you’re around me, that is CO dependency. And society has sold this is love. It’s the biggest lie in the history of lies, when it comes to relationships is that codependency has been sold as love. 

So when people say, Oh, I’ll do this for you call timeout, you might want to still be with that person, but call a timeout and have a very serious conversation with them and be like, You know what, that’s not good enough for me. You changing for me is not good enough for me. Because it’s disrespecting yourself. I’m sorry, I don’t want a codependent relationship. That’s what you tell them. So what I want to see is I want you to come to self-awareness and ask them what, okay, cool, that’s great that you’re gonna change, you’re gonna do something for me, or that’s great that you’re saying, I’m doing it for my kids. Well, how does that help you? That’s the question to ask. If you want to change for me, or you say you’re doing this for somebody else, for your kids, for your spouse, whatever. How does that help you? That’s the question to ask them. That’s how to break through that codependency and maybe guide them to a position where they’re self-aware rather than codependent. Because it may not be love.

 It may not be love. They might love what you do for them. They might love that you’re around them. They might love the safety of the relationship that they’re in. And that’s why they’re saying, Yeah, sure, I’ll change for you. Or I’ll change for this marriage. It’s anything other than changing for themselves, is codependency. And it’s as fragile as the thinnest ice on the coldest lake in the world. And that relationship will continue to freeze and plummet to the depths that you have never seen. Because you’re allowing that codependency. No one else changes for something else. People only change for themselves, when they’ve hit rock bottom. That’s just how it goes. People will only change for themselves when they actually realize that they don’t have anything to lose. And that they have everything to gain. That is rock bottom. When somebody recognizes and they they focus away from the loss of the change that they need to make for themselves. And they just focus on everything that they have to gain. 

Change for others does not last. That’s the biggest thing I need you to take out of this episode today is that change for others does not last change for yourself. Not only will you sustain that new behavior, and sustain that newfound success, but you will also sustain the relationships that you’re in because you have allowed yourself to heal. That person that you’re seeing might be actually going on a journey right now to change for themselves. That is when it becomes sustainable because they change for themselves. Not for the marriage, not for the kids. And certainly most of all, not for you. Change for others does not last changing for themselves. Changing for yourself is sustainable forever.

Go ALL IN…