About the Episode:
A form of abuse can often be gaslighting. It’s a way to manipulate a person into believing something that isn’t true, a skewed perception. This is not a new form of abuse, gaslighting has been around for a long time, but now people are starting to open their eyes and see what it is at face value.
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Watch the episode here:
- Hearing, “I’m sorry you feel that way”
- Validating someone’s feelings instead of gaslighting
- You are always influencing the people around you
- Validating with straight-up facts, proof some may say
- Stop telling people they are overreacting
- Talking through different viewpoints
- Accepting and holding accountability in your life and relationships
- Gaslight escalates, respect deescalates.
What shakin’. Hey, I’m Rick Jordan, and today we’re going all in. There’s, uh, this word of the year that Miriam Webster, the dictionary, always puts out. And guess what that word was for this past year? Gaslighting searches rose by 1740% over the last 12 months. You know, looked up several times every single day. And I want to talk a little bit about that word today cuz I saw this and I was like, man, you know, it’s like, uh, that’s interesting cuz uh, I, this word exists has existed for a long time, but it, it really just started popping up and it’s become part of like our regular speech over the last couple of years. And obviously because now it’s the word of the year because it’s been the most searched word. It’s so interesting. But let, let’s define it right, this is what they say, right?
Miriam Webster is the act or practice of grossly misleading somebody, especially for one’s own advantage. And this one hits home for me because, you know, I wrote a book about situational ethics and how your ethics changes because of the different pressures around you and what you want to achieve, you know, and that’s typical of most people in this world, and gaslighting kind of falls in line with that. So I want to give you some examples of that. But there, there’s even more to it than, than just that. And this is where it gets into like abuse territory. I want to be real with you today because if you’re in this kind of relationship or you know, you hear this from your boss or whoever you are, you’re gonna hear these things that’ll actually start to make you question your own reality, right? Like, well, what did that happen?
And that’s gaslighting as well. Look it up because if somebody says like, oh, not, that’s not how it happened. We’ll talk about some of these phrases today, you know? But if they’re trying to skew your perception of reality and you find yourself succeeding, like, almost like you feel like you’re going a little crazy, you know, because you were sure that something happened the way that it did, but now you, this person’s trying to persuade you otherwise, that’s gaslighting. And often it comes with a lot of negative energy. You can identify it. It’s not a loving tone, it’s not, a supportive tone. It’s very much like a condescending tone is how this happens. But it can cause you to question your reality. That’s when you know that this is gaslighting because it’s for that person’s own advantage. That’s why you have different tones. So start to, for real, start to look out for this because when you start to open your eyes for this, you’re gonna start to see it all over the place.
You know, especially if you are in this type of relationship right now. Now here are some examples of it, right? And then maybe some things. So you might find yourself doing some of these, not exactly what the intention that I just described to help cha to help yourself by changing someone else’s perception of reality. You know, just, to get ahead to win, you know, in arguments and conflicts. Uh, I always never really enjoyed it when somebody is just listening to respond rather than listening to actually understand gaslighting. There’s a lot of listening just to respond because it’s like they’re already pre-planning their response to rebuke you, to rebuttal whatever it is that you’re saying in order to change and skew your perception and reality just so they can win for their own sake. That’s sucks. That’s horrible, right? And that, that’s, that’s powerful negativity.
All right? So let’s look at some examples here. Like if somebody says, you know, I’m sorry you feel that way, you know, that’s freaking gaslighting because they don’t care how you feel. And that’s horrible, especially if you’re in a relationship. You know, the right way to say something like that is like, you know, I understand how you feel from what I’m hearing. You tell me you feel this way. Well, I disagree respectfully, but here’s how I see it. You know, and that’s a productive conversation because you’re, you’re validating what that individual just says. You’re validating their feelings because people can feel whatever they want, even if it’s based on something that could be untrue. Those emotions and that moments are real, and they need to be validated, especially if you’re in a relationship, a romantic relationship, and you wanna move forward through this and have a productive conversation that’s still connecting because you can still remain connected in conflict.
Now, when somebody says, I’m sorry you feel that way, that’s freaking gaslighting. That’s them saying, I don’t really care how you feel. All that matters is how I feel. That’s horrible. You know, so they could say, I understand that you feel like blah, blah, blah. Or they could say something like, I’m sorry I made you feel that way. You know, there’s a lot of coaches out there that will say things like, uh, you know, and all these Instagram people that you can’t make anybody else feel anything. I disagree. I think that you’re making somebody else feel different things. They’re influencing their emotions almost every single minute of every single day in every interaction that you have. That’s why it’s so important to be respectful and not gas lights. Okay? You’re tracking with me on this so far. Here’s, I, I’d mentioned this one a little bit ago.
Here’s an exam, another example of gaslighting. Oh, that’s not what happened. You hear my tone too. So if somebody says, you know, this is what, ha, this is what took place, and it doesn’t, you know, it just doesn’t sound right to you. They’re explaining their perception of things, you know, which could be emotionally driven, sometimes even filtered through some trauma or whatever it is, and they could just be flat-out wrong. But at the same time, that’s how they’re perceiving this situation in order to meet them and not gaslight and say, that’s not what happened. You know, unless you’re like showing them fricking video footage or something like that, or an email or, or whatever, you know, that’s the only time when you have cold hard facts, you always go back to what, you know, like undeniable, verifiable facts when it comes to conflict.
So what you can count on that you know, is that individual is perceiving the situation in a different way that, you know, that’s where you have to meet that individual. Because in respect to them, instead of saying That’s not what happened and gaslighting them, you could say something like, oh, that’s not how I thought it happened. Here’s what I see. Are you open to hearing how I see it? You know, so at the moment, you’re, you’re validating not that they’re rights, not that they perceive things in a correct way, in a factual way, you’re just acknowledging that they see it differently than you. That’s how you meet them in the middle. Okay? That’s powerful. And that’ll help you move through the conversation, move through the conflict, and hopefully to resolution. All right? Another one that’s here is, this is horrible. Oh my gosh. If somebody says, oh, you’re overreacting.
You know, what if to that person, they’re not, because they could be so passionate at the moment, because it could be like a value or just something that they’re, that just like an underlying core part of that individual, which is why they’re responding a certain way to whatever the situation is, you know? And it’s just important to them. So instead of saying you’re overreacting, you know, or you’re off your rocker, or, you know what, why do you always go off the deep end? You know, those kinds of phrases. That’s gaslighting, that’s changing that individual’s perception of reality for your own benefit, and that’s bad. All right? So if somebody’s doing this to you, shut ’em down right away, shut them down right away. You can walk away, you can leave the house, whatever it is, because a respectful way for somebody being just that like, like in the moments, hot, passionate, whatever, you know, just, just, just blowing up if you want to say that because a blow-up is real.
Go ALL IN.