The “Healing First” Myth Is Keeping You Stuck

Watch the episode here:

What’s shakin’? Hey, I’m Rick Jordan, and today we’re going all in. Here we go, time to bust a relationship myth. All right? I’ve heard this stuff in years past, right? And also from a lot of people today, it’s like, you know what? I’m just going to take a break. I’m going to be single, you know, because I really need to heal first. I really need to, like, get myself to a place where I don’t have any more trauma from my previous relationships. I don’t have any more, you know, latent PTSD from how that dude treated me, you know. So I’m just going to have some me time. I don’t think anybody really says that exact phrase anymore, but you get what I’m saying is that, you know, this concept of like, I need to be fully healed before I jump into something else. And I’m going to blow that out of the water today and just tell you that you don’t need to be because you’re going to be freaking waiting forever. No joke, you’re going to be sitting there waiting forever while multiple potential partners are going to pass you by, everybody who is starting to say, oh, you know what? That was just a rough, abusive relationship. And I’m not saying that they’re not, because I validate you that you have had likely abuse of relationships emotionally, maybe some physically, which is freaking horrible, and that dude, if it’s a dude, needs to be beaten to the fucking ground if that was the case, if he physically abused you, because that is not the way any man treats a woman ever still. 

You don’t need to be fully healed, absolutely allowing some time to pass, and everything else. And I understand that it’s hard to trust people when you have these experiences and all that. But how do you learn to trust people again? You don’t just like, get to a point by yourself to where you’re like, all right, I trust men again. Or all right, women are not going to stab me in the back anymore. And then you go out, and you decide to see what’s out there for you again. That’s not how that happens. What happens is you need to put your feet in the water. You need to actually go into activities where it’s like, Okay, I’m going to see what takes place here, even though I’m not fully healed. But you know what? The way that you heal is you actually expose yourself to the potential of goodness. Oh my gosh, did you hear that? That’s a powerful phrase. The way you heal is you expose yourself to potential goodness. I’m going to write that one down because this is just flowing from my heart today. You don’t need to be fully healed to get back into a relationship at any point in time and experience Healthy Love, because Healthy Love, by the way, is already out there waiting for you. There is nothing that you need to do to yourself in order to experience that healthy love. You just need to find the person who is capable of giving you that healthy love. And you know what, you might have some some hard wiring in place from these previous relationships that you’re in that sucked ass, but now you have an opportunity to change that, because you know what, the you might still have that PTSD, and I get it that’s very real, very valid, to where you are triggered in certain areas. But how else are you going to work through those unless you’re challenged on them? It’s impossible to get these, these things out and actually test your progress, test yourself in the work that you’ve been putting into yourself. 

It’s impossible to heal unless you expose yourself to the potential goodness. I’m encouraging you, because don’t let life pass you by. When you’re just sitting there because you’re playing a victim, that’s literally it. But now, you know what, when you just sit there, and you’re like, you know what, someday I’ll find healthy love, someday, when I’m fully healed, I’ll be able to get back out there. Now you’re abusing yourself because you are isolating yourself from the good things that are meant for you. Isolation is a form of self-abuse, hands down, and the reason you’re doing it is that you don’t know any better. When you split up from a partner who has been abusive to you, especially emotionally, gaslighting all of that now, all of a sudden, you start to gaslight yourself. Why? Because you’re used to it, and your brain thinks it’s normal. Your brain thinks it’s normal to experience that. And now that you don’t have that person in your life, by the way, if you already ditched that person, they were doing that to you. Congratulations. You already made a big, freaking huge step. 

I am validating you again right now that you already made the biggest possible step. Now, what you’ve got to do, and I know people don’t like being told what to do, but I’m telling you, all you’re doing is replacing the abuser, who is someone else, with the abuser that is yourself. If you keep yourself away from Healthy Love because you think that you need to be fully healed, I’m telling you this: the reason why people are put on this planet is to be matched up together, whether this is even in relationships. Of course, we’re talking about that today. But business with kids, anything else, there are reasons certain kids with certain personalities are born that I believe, in order to help the parent heal from something, they have an opportunity to. To raise their kids differently from how their parents were. They have an opportunity to break a generational curse, maybe, of abuse in how they raise their kids, and that helps them heal from that process and helps them notice, you know what, it’s over, and I’m declaring that it’s over, I’m going to heal. And the only way to heal is to have a kid and make a difference in how you parent versus how you were parented. 

The only way you can heal in a relationship is to expose yourself to the Healthy Love before you think you’re ready, because that other person will help you heal. Healing happens in safety. Healing happens in Healthy Love, and you know what, it’s going to happen the rest of your life. As long as you expose yourself to this, I get it, being vulnerable is probably like the least safe thing, maybe in your mind right now. However, vulnerability is sexy. Vulnerability, thanks to my friend who made that phrase up right, vulnerability is the pathway to healing, not isolation. Isolation is just a form of self-abuse. The person who’s going to be there for you in this Healthy Love, by the way, is also going to be the person who’s going to hold you accountable. I was just talking about how your triggers absolutely, they’re still going to come up, because that person might do something that might seem like it was in your previous relationships, with the exception that they have good intentions. So where somebody else might have done something to manipulate you, maybe they, maybe they brought you flowers right in an expectation to get sex that night, okay? Or maybe they took you out to dinner just because it was an obligation that it was your birthday, and now they want, really want you to do that for their birthday, because they need to be validated, because they’re insecure, but they’re only putting out so you can put into them. 

They’re only investing time in themselves. It just so happens that you’re the mode to get there. I’m sure you’ve experienced the whim. I just felt it when I said that there are a lot of people out there that are horrible when they do things for themselves under the mask of doing it for you, and it’s really just transactional, because if I do, then you do, if you do, then I do. And that’s how they think their relationships are supposed to go, no. So this is why I’m saying that if someone who is a healthy person for you, a safe person for you, they are your person. They are an example of Healthy Love. And now they come to you, and they say, oh, you know what? I think I really want to celebrate you tonight. You did something great this week. You were excited. You know about, you know, this milestone with our kids, they got potty trained this week. Whatever it does, our daughter got potty-trained. Or, you know what, you crush it at work. 

This week, I want to go out and celebrate you. And then all of a sudden, the gears start turning. It’s like, because before, the only reason that happened is because they were really doing that for them in order to get something out of you in the future. But you know what? That’s not the case with this new, amazing person that you expose yourself to. This is where, in the moment, you know you might get triggered. You might say something because it’s a reaction from before. But you know what? That safe person does not mean that they stay silent. That safe person calls you out on your triggers, that safe person holds you accountable so that you don’t have to carry that shit anymore. The reason why a safe person says something, the reason why a safe person holds you accountable, the reason why a safe person confronts you is for you so that you don’t have to carry that garbage anymore. God, you’ve got to hear me and open your heart to this today, because that person is there to help you heal. Isolation is self-abuse, safe love, and healthy. Love is also accountable. Love that might not be something that you’re ready for. When you feel like you’re ready for that and you don’t feel like you want to carry that shit anymore, that’s when you’ll start to see all the Healthy Love around. I’m excited for you, because we just blew your Mind today, blew your heart wide open. Now, get out.