About the Episode:
You know that sick feeling in your gut when you’re talking to someone and nothing you do feels right. You feel boxed in. Cornered. Like you’re walking on eggshells constantly. That’s emotional manipulation. And it’s happening to you more than you think. I’ve been studying psychology because it ties directly into my work with insider threats and cyber security. Human behavior plays pivotal roles in everything we do. And some people use these psychological tactics to control others. Today I’m calling out four major signs of emotional manipulation so you can recognize them and fight back. Here’s the reality. Once you recognize these patterns it becomes your responsibility to change them. Don’t expect the manipulator to change. You have to set the boundaries. You have to say “I’m not okay with this. I prefer to talk through this. Don’t hold me in my past. I’m living in the present now.” And sometimes you might have to change that person completely if they won’t respect your boundaries. Stop accepting emotional manipulation. You deserve better than that sick feeling in your gut. You deserve relationships where trust is given freely. Where communication happens openly. Where your past stays in the past where it belongs.
Listen to the podcast here:
Watch the episode here:
Episode Topics:
- Learn the 4 warning signs of emotional manipulation that most people miss.
- Discover why “trust is given, not earned” will change how you view relationships.
- Find out how to tell the difference between guilt and healthy remorse.
- Understand why bringing up your past is always a weapon against you.
- Get the exact words to use when setting boundaries with manipulative people.
What’s shakin’? Hey, I’m Rick Jordan, and today we’re going all in. Today we’re gonna talk about emotional manipulation. Now, I don’t know about you, but do you ever get that like EBG be feeling inside to where you’re talking with somebody and you just don’t feel right, like you feel like you’re boxed in a corner. You feel like almost nothing you can do is right? I mean, it’s just, it’s a bad place to be. It’s a bad place to feel. And today we’re going to talk about that a little bit. You know, I follow a lot of psychology. I read a lot of those things. It actually, really intrigues me. You know, if there was something that I could actually go after? I mean, there are a lot of things, right? I feel like I would want to learn about, like, 27 different fields of study, just because I’m always interested in those things. I’m always interested in those. It’s pretty cool to have all the different fields that you can have. But psychology is really interesting to me. It actually even ties back into my profession right now, which is cyber security and insider threats. Insider threats are people on the inside who do something bad to cause a breach, and sometimes it’s that they just clicked on something wrong.
But more than half the time is they actually did something intentional, because they’ve got this other stuff going on, and that’s what my book was about, too. Situational ethics. It’s interesting to me, the way human behavior starts to play these very pivotal roles in our lives. I’m going to talk about a couple of examples today, because you may have seen these, and let’s call these out, just so you can recognize them. Okay? And this is from some of the psychology books that I was reading and studying. And I want to bring these to you. I’m not a psychologist, not at all, but these things spoke to me, and I’m sure they’re going to speak to you, and I’ll give you my take on some of these, too. All right, this is one. This first one is one that I absolutely despise. I hate it, you know. And I see other people going through this. I maybe have gone through this with people in my life, too. But if someone says, I need you to do this in order to prove yourself to me, prove your love, prove your commitment, whatever that is emotional manipulation. You shouldn’t have to do anything.
This isn’t like dangling a carrot in front of somebody and be like, I’m gonna stay with you if, or I’m gonna give you this job if they should be able to look at your track record, but even more so look at your character. Even more so just look at your commitments, because here’s something that is just bang on, and you can look this up all over the place. Trust, this is how I feel. Trust is not earned. Trust is given. Trust is not earned. Trust is given, and then trust can be broken, okay? But if you expect somebody before anything, like if you hire somebody new, if you go into a new relationship, if you start a new job, and you’re trusting your boss, you’re trusting your new girlfriend, boyfriend, you’re trusting your employee, whatever that’s given right away. It’s not that they’re earning it. You can see the capabilities of their skill set or find out new things about them if they’re in a relationship with you, things that they’re good at, things that they’re not good at. But as far as trust goes, trust is given.
That’s the only way you’re going to feel free as an individual who’s giving that trust, but if you’re on the other end, wouldn’t you want that? Wouldn’t you want somebody to just trust you, if you’re just starting a new relationship? Wouldn’t you want somebody to just trust you if you just made a commitment you haven’t even had a chance to prove anything yet, but if they’re expecting the best from you, I bet you the best is going to happen. If you expect the best from somebody, there’s a greater chance that the best just might happen. So if somebody says, If you love me, you would.dot.or if you don’t do this, don’t look to me the next time you need help, that’s emotional manipulation, trying to make somebody do something, or somebody making you do something to prove yourself, prove your love or your commitment. It’s horrible, isn’t it? Now you can identify one of these things, and that’s my point today. Is just you can identify these. These happen all the time, and it’s not okay, right? Another thing is like guilting and shaming on some things. I hate throwing guilt on people. I hate I don’t do that. I hate people throwing trying to throw guilt on me. Most of the time, people feel bad enough themselves, and most people recognize when they have that realization that they did something wrong, they already feel it themselves, and they’re already holding themselves accountable.
Here’s an interesting topic, right? An interesting point is it, guilt is not self-generated. Guilt is thrust upon you by somebody else. Guilt. It is never self-generated. It’s thrust upon you from somebody else. You know, it’s like I really thought you were a caring person. Guess not. Have you heard that one before? Or, you know, you don’t set boundaries with your own family, or you’ll miss me when I’m gone. Emotional manipulation. This is guilt and shaming. You cannot generate guilt. You can generate remorse, right? And think you and wish you had done something differently, but then you can move past that, but, but dwelling on that, that guilt, that’s because somebody’s trying to keep you down. That’s not cool. That is not okay. Now you’ll be able to identify that one too. All right. Another one is using your past or your insecurities against you. Somebody that you’re going to want to be with in a relationship is somebody that will help you move beyond your past, to leave it there, to die. The past is done. You can’t go back and change it. The only reason for somebody to bring it up again is of a weapon against you. That’s it.
Because if they truly want to move on, they should not be the ones that’s keeping you there, or what about your insecurities? They should be trying to help you grow through those, trying to overcome those. Yes, it could be frustrating for that person. I get it, especially when somebody is insecure about something, but usually that’s a trigger. It’s a trauma. It doesn’t mean that that insecurity is okay that you have. It means you need to do something about that and try to help yourself with some self growth, get a coach, whatever. But that individual should support you in growing through that, not holding you to it, not keeping on bringing up the past, not keeping you in the past, right? Some things that you might hear like, well, if you’re going to act this way, you’re never going to find a good wife. If you’re gonna act this way, you’re never gonna find a good husband. Oh, geez, you, you’re you’re cocky. Now look at you up on the pedestal. But remember when, remember when you screwed up? Remember when you did this? Yeah, you’re doing great right now.
But remember that that’s really what they’re jealous of, right? And that’s how they project this, because they try to hold your past against you. I got news for you. The people who’ll do that have probably made bigger mistakes than you. They have probably fallen harder than you have, and they’re still sulking in that. And there’s not moving past that. They’re not putting in their own work for themselves, so they’re gonna throw it on you. It’s a way for them to feel good in the moment. That is emotional manipulation. The last one that I’m going to tell you about today, for you to recognize this is like icing or, you know, like being cold a cold shoulder, or giving you the silent treatment. Emotionally intelligent people communicate. Emotionally Mature people communicate. They do not stay silent. They do not ice you. They will communicate how they feel and how even they can help get the two of you through the scenario. The silent treatment is just because they’re being idiots. It’s a way to emotionally manipulate you so that they can have you feel the guilt, so that you can sit in the crowd they’re holding you in that moment, rather than trying to help you both move past it. It’s horrible; it’s manipulative.
It’s not okay if you’re with somebody who does this all the time, and I’m not talking about a cooling off period. I’m all for cooling off periods, because sometimes things can get really, really heated. And if you need just a minute to be like, Okay, if it’s just hold on, two minutes, I’m gonna go get a drink. I’m gonna go do something. We’ll come back. We’re just gonna settle because both of us are in common ground. We both want to move forward in a positive direction. That’s cool, that’s all good, but not shutting down, not just breaking off all kinds of communication, not answering the phone, hanging up on you. God, I hate that one. It’s horrible. That is not emotionally intelligent or emotionally mature, that is emotionally manipulative. Now I hope this helps you today to recognize these things and maybe something that you’ve been putting up with that you shouldn’t be it’s time to change that.
You know it can start with you, because once you start to call this out with whoever you’re interacting with, it’s actually your responsibility for a change right now, if this is happening to you, if somebody’s doing this to you, it’s your responsibility for a change. You have to make the choice to change this. Don’t just expect them to, because now that you’re aware of it, it’s your responsibility to say, Hey, I’m not okay with this. Here’s what I would prefer to do. I prefer to talk through this. You know what? I’m sorry. Don’t hold me in my past. It’s done. I’m in the present right now. I’m living for the now. I’ve learned from things that I’ve done, and this is what I’m doing from here on out. So don’t keep me back there. And for the love of God, communicate with me because I want to communicate with you. That’s how you do this and break free of emotional manipulation. You might actually just have to change that person if those things don’t work, and that’s also okay. I love you. Go all in you.
