About the Episode:
We all have these expectations that our partners will meet all of our needs, and will make us happy all time, which is simply so far-fetched. Realizing this will help you communicate your most important needs and can help you by meeting those of your partner better.
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- It might be time to build or end a relationship
- Regardless of a unique relationship, there will be conflict
- Foundation of connection even within confliction
- Genuinely ask questions
- Listen to understand, not to just respond
- Forgive yourself
- Be direct with your needs
What’s shakin’? Hey, it’s good to have you back with me here for the first time because today we’re going all in today. I wanna talk about something pretty serious as you go into the new year, and there are a lot of resolutions that get made this time of year, and I pause when I say resolutions because it’s like I cringe inside. I, I start to kind of twist and torque. My gut gets all achy because most people with their resolutions only last two freaking weeks. And especially when it comes to things that you want to change. I’m talking not like real things that matter, not like, like fitness doesn’t matter because that’s the biggest one, you know, but I’m talking relationships, how you interact with others. If you’ve been listening to the show at all for a period of time, you know that I am heavy into how we interact with other people because I believe that the only reason why you are on this earth, why I am on this earth is to benefit other people around us, right?
Because there’s nothing that happens, no influence that we can have really after we die. So it’s, it’s really the time we have to spend on earth is not to be spent for ourselves. Of course, we want to have fun, but the whole lifespan of anybody can really only be measured by how good your relationships are. Now, I want you to start this new year in a way that’s just incredible, with any type of relationship that you have. This could be a time to repair a relationship. This could be a time to start a new relationship. It could be time to get out of a relationship. But today I want to give you, some tips on how to do this, okay? And especially when it comes to romantic relationships, there are some things that I’m gonna give to you as far as what maybe this should look like for you as you go into the new year, what to look for, what to maybe take a look and see if you have now.
Now here’s what I’m gonna throw at you today, okay? The first one is that this is so important because no matter what, you’re always gonna have conflict in any kind of relationship. It’s inevitable because two people rarely see eye to eye on 100% of things. Actually, I think that’s pretty much impossible because you’re unique. And that’s the beauty of relationships is that the uniqueness of people comes together to form something else. That’s also unique by being together, that regardless, you’re gonna have conflict. If you think that you’re going to avoid conflict or that a way to actually grow a relationship is even trying to minimize the amount of conflict that you have, you’re gonna lose. Minimizing conflict is really just turning your back on it and trying to avoid conflict. Don’t avoid conflict. Embrace conflict. And when you do it when you’re in conflict, this is the first one here, when you’re in conflict, stay connected.
You have to stay connected because if you’re looking at the other person and, and you’re really genuinely trying to understand that person there, there’s this foundation that you have in the midst of conflict because you are connected and you’re staying connected. You create an intention to stay connected during any kind of conflict. Your motivation and intention within this conflict are only to see it through to the mutual benefit of both of you. Are you tracking with me on that? Because if you don’t stay connected, the only thing you’re doing is taking things from your own perspective, you know, which sometimes, sure, it has to do with boundaries and everything else, but if you truly wanna move forward with anybody, with any individual whatsoever, whether male, female, in any kind of romantic relationship, you need to stay connected in conflict. And one of the best ways to do this is to genuinely ask questions.
If you can listen to the other person, I mean, it’s always like, and I’ve seen this before, I’ve maybe even been guilty of this before. It’s like you’re listening to respond, not listening to understand. That’s a recipe for disaster. When you’re just listening to respond, or if you already are, the only thing you’re thinking about while your partner is talking is what you are going to say next. Your intention is not to stay connected. That actually creates disconnection. So the first one is, I’ve given you a couple of ways to do this Now, how to stay connected within the conflict. That’s the first one, right? And, here’s the thing, because when you do this without a doubt, you’re gonna screw up whether it’s in conflict or maybe that’s the thing that caused the conflict, but then after it’s all done and everything, we have this tendency, or at least a lot of people do, to start to get angry at ourselves. And even maybe in the midst of the conflict, you’re just pissed at yourself because you’re seeing the other person and you’re looking into their eyes and you just can’t help but love them. But yet, all this shit is coming out of your mouth at the moment because you’re angry. But really, when you’re looking at that other person, you see that, that you’re genuinely connected to them, you actually can start to get angry at yourself for doing what you’re doing right then, or maybe doing what you did to cause this conflict situation to begin with.
In order to get out of that mode, you have to forgive yourself. It’s one thing to say sorry to your partner, to say sorry to the person that you’re in a relationship with, but it’s a whole nother world, which is something that’s going to be a struggle for maybe you and other people, you know, maybe even your partner, is to forgive yourself in the middle of this. That’s the harder thing to do, is to actually forgive yourself. And the best way to do that, I’m gonna tell you maybe a way that you can start to do that is starting to look at all the things that maybe you’ve already done for your partner and maybe all the things that you’ve actually tried to uplift them on, or at the same time, maybe try to go do those things. Now, that’s another way to make sure that your relationships here in 2023 are gonna be stellar.
Here’s another big one, okay? You have to speak about your needs directly. This comes back to avoid that conflict. And one way to avoid conflict, I’m telling you straight up, is to not speak your needs or at least beat around your needs, right? And, and not actually directly say, Hey, this is what I’m looking for. Why do we do that? Very simply because it avoids conflict. Even if you’re thinking that the person is gonna understand it or respond a certain way, which you don’t really know if you’ve never brought this up before because you’ve never spoken your needs directly before, that’s you avoiding conflict. And I’m gonna be direct with you right now. That is not a real relationship. When you do not speak about your needs, you are not in a real relationship. You are in a one-sided relationship, and there’s nobody to blame yourself on this one because you’re not speaking about your needs directly. It doesn’t mean that the other person will necessarily agree with them, but maybe there can be a way around them. And even more so, even if you don’t come to see eye to eye on what you both need, it still means that the relationship could move forward.
How do I know this? Because you’re respecting each other’s position, it’s okay to not agree and still move forward. It is possible to not agree and still move forward because you now at least have an understanding of what the other individual’s needs are. And maybe there’s a way because this comes down to happiness. This is the next one, right? Because happiness is not something that’s the responsibility of your partner. Your happiness is not the responsibility of your partner. So if you speak your needs, maybe that need doesn’t have to be met and doesn’t have to come from your partner. That’s very possible and a very good, clear way forward When there’s a disagreement when you can’t see eye to eye on a need that you spoke directly or a need that your partner spoke directly to you, is having the understanding that you’re responsible for your own happiness.
It could be something to where you, you need to have a conversation or somebody to lean on, you know, or bounce ideas off of. Maybe if you’re an entrepreneur, I mean this, there’s a whole lot of entrepreneurs that listen to this show. Maybe you’re an entrepreneur and you’re your partner is not the person that you can really bounce those ideas. You might have gone into the relationship thinking that that’s who that person was going to be for you, but it might not be how they’re wired yet. That’s okay. Maybe you could hire a coach, or maybe you could find a mentor. Maybe you could bounce it off one of your parents. Maybe you could these ideas or find a peer in the industry who whatever you’re doing, you could actually bounce this off, join a Facebook group, post the stuff there, and see what people respond. That’s like a mass way, to meet that need to bounce these ideas off of. That’s just an example. Everyone, we all have these expectations going into relationships that the other individual is going to meet every single possible need that we have, and that individual is responsible for making us happy. That’s wrong. Recipe for disaster. A relationship is over before it even starts.
So understanding that it’s your responsibility for your own happiness is going to create such freedom and space in your relationship where you two can support each other because that in this example I’m giving right here, maybe, your partner is not the one to actually meet that need and be that sounding board for you, but they sure as hell can support you by you going to somebody else, a mentor, a coach, a peer, a Facebook group, whatever, in order to have that need met. That’s just one example, but there are always ways forward if you want there to be a way forward. Another super important thing is supporting each other’s self-expression,
Right? This comes back to directly stating your needs. You need to support that in your partner. If you want that to happen and be available to you, you have to support that in your partner too, and whatever way they express themselves is okay. Whatever way they want to impact the world, whatever way they wanna show up in public, whatever way they wanna do, whatever it is they’re gonna do in the expression of themselves, that even could get into religion. That’s like, I mean, outside of sex and money, religious differences are one of the biggest things that split up. Relationships. Allow them to be who they are and express themselves in ways how they need to be. As long as it’s not violating a core part of you, fine, go for it. There are ways to move forward as long as you’re supporting each other’s self-expression. And this last one that I’m gonna give you here today, you find to play together. You find ways to have fun. What’s the point? Otherwise for real, if you go out with somebody and you can’t have a good time with that person, or it’s just like you’re, you’re two completely separate people sitting across the table from each other and you can’t have a conversation, that’s an issue.
Find creative ways to go into that. And then here’s the other thing. Make sure that they happen. You know, it could even be one partner’s responsibility to create those times because of somebody else’s schedule. It could be that you share the responsibility for creating those times. There are so many different ways to do this, except just the point that you actually have to do it. These are just some super quick ways to go into this year because I want you to be wildly successful this year, not just in business, not just with your kids, and not just with anything else that’s going on in your life. I want you to be successful in relationships, in all of your relationships. That’s the leveling up that you could look at this year in 2023 to
Go ALL IN.