The Emotional Manipulation Pedestal

Episode Topics:

• Emotional Manipulation
• Psychology and Cybersecurity
• Why Icing is manipulative
• Why guilt isn’t self generated

Today we’re going to talk about Emotional Manipulation. I don’t know about you, but do you ever get that abgb feeling inside when you’re talking with somebody, and you just don’t feel right. Like, you feel like you’re boxed in a corner, you feel like almost nothing you can do is right. I mean, it’s just, it’s a bad place to be, it’s a bad place to feel. Today, we’re going to talk about that a little bit. You know, I follow a lot of psychology, I read a lot of those things that actually really intrigued me, you know, if there was something that I could actually go after, I mean, there’s a lot of things right, I feel like I would want to learn about like 27 different fields of study, just because I’m always interested in those things. I’m always interested in those, it’s pretty cool. All the different fields that you can have in psychology is really interesting to me, it actually even ties back into my profession right now, just cybersecurity and insider threats, because insider threats are people on the inside that do something bad to cause a breach, and sometimes they just clicked on something wrong. But more than half the time is actually they did something intentional, because they’ve got this other stuff going on, and that’s what my book was about, Situational Ethics. Yeah.

So it’s interesting to me the way human behavior starts to play these very pivotal roles in our lives. I’m going to talk about a couple examples today, because you may have seen these, and let’s call these out just so you can recognize them. Okay, and this is from some of the psychology books that I was reading and studying, and I want to bring this to you, I’m not a psychologist, not at all. But these things spoke to me, and I’m sure they’re gonna speak to you, and I’ll give you my take on some of these two. All right. This is one, this first one is one that I absolutely despise. I hate it. You know, and I see other people going through this, I maybe have gone through this with people in my life too. But if someone says, I need you to do this, in order to prove yourself to me, prove your love, prove your commitment, whatever that is Situational Ethics. You shouldn’t have to do anything. This isn’t like dangling a carrot in front of someone, it’d be like, I’m going to stay with you if or I’m going to give you this job if they should be able to look at your track record, but even more so look at your character, even more. So just look at your commitments, because here’s something that is just bang on, and you can look this up all over the place trust, this is how I feel trust is not earned.

Trust is given. Trust is not earned, trust is given, and then trust can be broken. Okay, but if you expect somebody before anything, like if you hire somebody new, if you go into a new relationship, if you start a new job, and you’re trusting your boss, you’re trusting your new girlfriend, boyfriend, you’re trusting your employee, whatever that’s given right away. It’s not that they’re earning it, you can see the capabilities of their skill sets, or find out new things about them, if they’re in a relationship with you, things that they’re good at, things that they’re not good at. But as far as trust goes, trust is given. That’s the only way you’re going to feel free as an individual who’s giving that trust. But if you’re on the other end, wouldn’t you want that? When you want somebody to just trust you, if you’re just starting a new relationship, when do you want somebody to just trust you, if you just made a commitment, you haven’t even had a chance to prove anything yet. But if they’re expecting the best from you, I bet you the best is going to happen. If you expect the best from somebody, there’s a greater chance that the best just might happen. So if somebody says if you love me, you would…. If you don’t do this, don’t look to me the next time you need help. That’s emotional manipulation. Trying to make somebody do something or somebody making you do something to prove yourself. Prove your love or your commitments. It’s horrible, isn’t it?

Now you can identify one of these things. That’s my point today is just you can identify these things that happen all the time, and it’s not okay. Another thing is like guilting and shaming others. I hate throwing guilt on people I hate. I don’t do that. I hate people trying to throw guilt on me. Most of the time, people feel bad about themselves, and most people recognize when they have that realization that they did something wrong. They already feel it themselves and they’re already holding themselves accountable. Here’s an interesting topic right? An interesting point is that guilt is not self generated. Guilt is thrust upon you from somebody else. Guilt is never self generated, it’s thrust upon you from somebody else. It’s like, I really thought you were a caring person, guess not ever heard that one before. Or you don’t set boundaries with your own family or you’ll miss me when I’m gone. emotional manipulation, this is guilt and shaming. You cannot generate guilt, you can generate remorse, right and think you wish you had done something differently. But then you can move past that. But dwelling on that guilt, that’s because somebody’s trying to keep you down. That’s not cool. That is not okay.

Now, you’ll be able to identify that one too. Alright, another one is using your past, or your insecurities against you. Somebody that you’re gonna want to be with in a relationship is somebody that will help you move beyond your past, to leave it there to die, the past is done, you can’t go back and change it. The only reason for somebody to bring it up again is to have a weapon against you. That’s it. Because if they truly want to move on, they should not be the ones that’s keeping you there. Or what about your insecurities, they should be trying to help you grow through those, trying to overcome those. Yes, it can be frustrating for that person. I get it, especially when somebody is insecure about something. But usually that’s a trigger, it’s a trauma, it doesn’t mean that that insecurity is okay that you have, it means you need to do something about that. Try to help yourself with some self growth, get a coach, whatever. But that individual should support you in grilling through that not holding you to it, not keeping them bringing up the past, not keeping you in the past. Right some things that you might hear like, well, if you’re going to act this way, you’re never going to find a good wife. If you’re going to act this way, you’re never going to find a good husband.

Oh, geez, yeah, you’re cocky now looking you up on the pedestal. But remember, when, by my remember when he screwed up. Remember when he did this? Yeah, you’re doing great Brian now, but remember that, that’s really that they’re jealous, right. That’s how they project this because they try to hold your past against you, I got news for you, the people that will do that I probably made bigger mistakes than you, they have probably fallen harder than you have, and they’re still soaking in that and there’s not moving past that they’re not putting in their own work for themselves. So they’re gonna throw it on you. It’s a way for them to feel good in the moment. That is emotional manipulation. The last one that I’m gonna tell you about today for you to recognize this is like Icing, or you know, like being cold a cold shoulder or giving you the silent treatment. emotionally intelligent people communicate. Emotionally Mature people communicate, they do not stay silent. They do not ICU. They will communicate how they feel, and how even they can help get the two of you through the scenario. The silent treatment is just because they’re being idiots. It’s a way to emotionally manipulate you so that they can make you feel guilty so that you can sit in the crap.

They’re holding you in that moment, rather than trying to help you both together, move past it. It’s horrible. It’s manipulative. It’s not okay. If you’re with somebody that does this all the time. And I’m not talking about a cooling off period, I’m all for cooling off periods. Because sometimes things can get really, really heated. And if you need just a minute to be like, Okay, if it’s just hold on two minutes, I’m gonna go get a drink. I’m gonna go do something, we’ll come back, we’re just going to settle because both of us are in common ground, we both want to move forward in a positive direction. That’s cool. That’s all good. But not shutting down. Not just breaking off all kinds of communication, not answering the phone hanging up on you gotta hate that one. It’s horrible. That is not emotionally intelligent or emotionally mature, that is emotionally manipulative.

Now, I hope this helps you today to recognize these things, and maybe something that you’ve been putting up with, that you shouldn’t be. It’s time to change that. It can start with you because once you start to call this out with whoever you’re interacting with, it’s actually your responsibility for a change right now. If this is happening, if somebody’s doing this, it’s your responsibility for change. You have to make the choice to change, don’t just expect them to, because now that you’re aware of it, it’s your responsibility to say hey, I’m not okay with this. Here’s what I would prefer to do. I prefer to talk through this and you know what? I’m sorry, don’t hold me in my past. It’s done. I’m the President right now. I’m living for now. I’ve learned from things that I’ve done, and this is what I’m doing from here on out. So don’t keep me back there. For the love of God, communicate with me because I want to communicate with you. That’s how you do this and break free of emotional manipulation. You might actually just have to change that person. If those things don’t work, that’s also okay. I love you. Go all in.