The Gaslighting Guidebook

Watch the episode here:

• Learn the difference between helpful feedback and toxic gaslighting.
• Discover the phrases gaslighters use to undermine your reality.
• Understand why “I’m sorry you feel that way” is a red flag.
• Learn how to protect yourself from manipulative tactics in relationships.
• Get practical advice on keeping your peace in difficult conversations.

Hey, I’m Rick Jordan. Today we’re going all in. There’s this word of the year that Merriam-Webster, the dictionary, always highlights. Guess what that word was for this past year? “Gaslighting.” Its searches rose by 1,740% over the last 12 months. People look it up several times daily, and I want to talk a bit about that word today. I saw this and thought, man, that’s interesting. This word has existed for a long time, but it really started popping up and became part of regular speech over the past few years. Obviously, now it’s the word of the year because it’s been the most searched term.

Let’s define it. Merriam-Webster says it’s the act or practice of grossly misleading someone, especially for one’s own advantage. This hits home for me because I wrote a book about situational ethics—how your ethics change due to the pressures around you and what you want to achieve. This concept often aligns with gaslighting. I want to give you some examples, but there’s even more to it than that; it gets into abusive territory.

I want to be real with you today. If you’re in this kind of relationship, or if you hear this from your boss or someone else, you’re going to hear things that might start making you question your own reality. You’ll wonder, “Did that really happen?” That’s also gaslighting. If someone says, “Oh no, that’s not how it happened,” they’re trying to skew your perception of reality. You may find yourself feeling a little crazy because you were sure something happened a certain way, but now this person is trying to persuade you otherwise. Often, it comes with negative energy. It’s not a loving or supportive tone—it’s condescending. It can cause you to question your reality, and that’s how you know it’s gaslighting because it’s for the other person’s advantage.

Start looking out for this. When you open your eyes, you’ll begin to see it everywhere, especially if you’re in this type of relationship right now. Here are some examples: sometimes, you might find yourself doing some of these things, not necessarily with the intent I described, but maybe to change someone else’s perception to get ahead in arguments or conflicts. I’ve never liked when someone listens just to respond, rather than to understand. Gaslighting often involves listening just to respond because the person is already planning their rebuttal, trying to change your perception of reality so they can win.

One common gaslighting phrase is, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” That’s gaslighting because the person doesn’t really care about your feelings. A respectful way to address a disagreement might be: “I understand how you feel. From what I’m hearing, you feel this way. I disagree respectfully, but here’s how I see it.” This way, you’re validating the other person’s feelings, allowing for productive conversation and connection, even in conflict. But if someone says, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” they’re essentially saying, “I don’t care how you feel. All that matters is how I feel.” That’s gaslighting.

Another example is when someone says, “Oh, that’s not what happened.” If you explain something that happened, and it doesn’t align with their version, they might invalidate your perception by insisting, “That’s not what happened,” unless they have undeniable evidence. Instead of immediately dismissing your viewpoint, they could say, “Oh, that’s not how I thought it happened. Here’s how I see it. Are you open to hearing my perspective?” In this way, they acknowledge your perspective without declaring it wrong.

Then there’s the classic line, “You’re overreacting.” What if, to the person in question, they’re not? It could be something deeply important to them, so instead of saying, “You’re overreacting,” they could recognize the significance of the situation by saying, “Wow, this must be really important to you. I have some important things too. Can we talk about these together?” This way, both parties’ concerns are acknowledged, and the conversation can move forward respectfully.

Another form of gaslighting is self-deprecation used to draw attention away from the real issue. If someone says, “I guess I’m just a bad partner,” it shifts the topic away from the actual conflict. This is a manipulative tactic to change your perception of reality. Instead of acknowledging potential wrongdoing, they turn the focus onto themselves in a way that dismisses your concerns. A better response would be, “I didn’t realize my actions affected you that way. I’m sorry. What can I do differently?” This acknowledges the other person’s feelings without deflecting.

In relationships, if you bring up a grievance and the other person responds with, “I guess I’m just a terrible partner,” they’re not willing to truly look at their actions. They’re avoiding self-reflection. If they say this often, you may notice a pattern of evading responsibility. Instead, a constructive response would be, “I didn’t know my actions affected you in that way, and I’m sorry.” This response validates your experience and encourages productive resolution.

Gaslighting escalates conflicts. Respect, on the other hand, de-escalates. I’ll GO ALL IN.